People Pleasing…Forget it.
Updated: Mar 5
"My goal is to spread light and positivity. I have a passion for people to understand their worth and potential. I believe in sharing your feelings and self expression. Freedom is a fundamental right and no one on this earth should feel as though they are not able to voice their feelings. I'm an advocate for anyone who feels they cannot be their true self. E2E will always provide you with a safe space to express".
How many of you always strive to do the right thing to fit into society’s ideals and expectations? I did.
I am a people pleaser to those I love and care about, and sometimes this is detrimental to me and my emotions. I say this as I find myself at a crossroads and the path is clear, but the journey is dropping people along the way. I am walking away from people I never thought it possible to live without.
In my adult life, I have tried my hardest to do everything the right way. I studied, I worked and made my own way. I moved out and have never bothered my parents for a penny since. I got married and deliberately waited to have my children. I have always lived by societies ‘right’ way; but why?
Let me be clear - I have no regrets in life so far. I believe it is playing out as it should. Where does this view come from that living how others want you to is the way? In my thirties I have discovered that year by year I am finding myself.
It is painful, but the older you get you really start to see who is there for you and who is full of BS. You realise when you slowly break away from doing things for others and watching their actions once you step back. For me it has been interesting; the subtle things have really become apparent.
For instance, I have always been the person available on the phone, day or night. Whenever there is a problem you can be sure my phone would be answered. If you know me you know my phone doesn’t stop, usually with friends talking about their day. This is fine, but I started to notice that with some individuals, when I needed help and support, the gesture was not reciprocated. This had to change, mainly because of the fact I am an empath, I tend to absorb others issues and worry about them. You see I believe in being there for others but if this isn’t returned then what is the point?
Another way of knowing I needed to change was with certain people who would criticise me with a smile. No matter what I did for them or how hard I tried it would never be good enough. I did things a certain way to please certain people, but honestly - it got me nowhere. The phone calls and visits just don’t happen - even prior to COVID. I found that I was being unfavourably compared to others and any achievement I made was being overshadowed by someone deemed more worthy. I have had no choice but to accept this and let go. I have found that no matter how much you try and explain, some people will not get it, choose not to listen or think you’re batsh*t crazy.
"I have dealt with toxic behaviours towards me from people who are damaged themselves"
I also found myself accepting damaging behaviours for love and acceptance. This is a bitter pill to swallow but very true. I have dealt with toxic behaviours towards me from people who are damaged themselves. In those relationships I have tried to be there and support. Interestingly enough it has never been reciprocated. This is the kick in the gut for me. I always seem to have people tell me how much I am loved and mean to them, but when push comes to shove my feelings are obsolete. Their feelings, wants and needs have ALWAYS taken precedence. So again, I now have to work so hard on letting go. I have to be strong and stand in my conviction. I know I have to stop being gullible and stand firm in the name of my right to be treated correctly, even if I don’t want to walk away.
It’s better to be true to yourself than to keep up a pretence in order to serve someone else and their feelings. The individuals I have protected do not appreciate it anyway. It is always all about them and I have to live with it. So my next move and tips.
· Let go - even if my voice, body, heart shakes – I will not allow people to treat my emotions like they are nothing. I will not be an emotional punch bag. I will only be there for people who are there for me and have shown and proved to me that they care.
Acceptance - accept the people you can’t change. Hurt people hurt people, and everyone can have their struggles. You must accept that you cannot change people, you cannot fix them or their situations. What you can do is remove or distance yourself when you see the red flags. It may hurt like hell, but so does being in the situation. Make a vow to yourself. You have to live with yourself every day. You have to be happy.
Stop jumping - miss a call or two. If you are like me and your phone is constant then sometimes you have to know when you are dealing with too much. Make another vow not to be so available. This is an invitation for people to swoop in and drain the energy you have left and are clinging to.
Level up - make a plan, whether it is career or recreational, plan your next move. Plan something that is going to elevate you and make you so passionate that you won’t have time to sit brooding over people who don’t know your worth. Throw yourself into something positive which uplifts you and gives you clarity and focus.
Self Love - more time for you - less phones, more nature, more alone time. Switch off and do something that promotes your well-being.
I’m really not one for all the bland New Years’ resolutions - this is more of a new focus. I refuse at this point to be empathetic and solid for people who ‘care’ but can’t or won’t show it.
I wonder if any of you get as irritated with small talk as I do? To me it feels fake and phony. I’m not saying every conversation has to be deep but there is a time and place. I have found the more I move into my journey that small talk and all that corniness grates on my brain. I actually feel it. I would much rather not be spoken to at this point than have to endure a conversation that means squat!
"I definitely feel I am fast becoming an introvert and quite frankly I am okay with that"
I definitely feel I am fast becoming an introvert and quite frankly I am okay with that; because the conversations I have are real, authentic, deep and engaging. That is what I want - intelligent conversation, to laugh and joke with genuine likeminded people, to work in a place where people don’t snake each other and instead have each other’s back. I want peace.
I have found my trigger points are people. People and their selfishness, greed, fakeness, disregard for others, and lots more toxic stuff.
It is not realistic to think we can live in such a world where all irritants can be sent to another planet but that is why the steps above are important. I have always thought ‘why do nasty people win?’ ‘Why do disrespectful, narcissistic people win?’ Truth is they don’t. They may look like they do, and it’s frustrating as hell to watch, but they don’t win at all. Something made them treat you like they do. But now, I am not giving anyone the excuse to treat me less than my worth. Now I take responsibility for my own happiness.
If anyone relates, ensure you protect your energy. You need to understand your worth and once you do, you will let no-one mess with you. Imagine, you have bought a brand new car, or anything you would cherish. It’s the same concept. Protect your energy as it is the most important possession you will ever have.
By Lockdowninspired ©
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